Letters to my son… continued from How to people, part 1

Constructing a teenage self

  • Masculine energy is what you are shooting for but masculine doesn’t mean aggressive. When guys are fighting, the calm friendly guy with the relaxed body language who steps in to stop them is the most masculine. It’s mostly about maintaining an even keel and being ready for things. Quiet competence. Monitor your crabbiness levels and try to get them down.  Yes, cockiness can enter into this, but cockiness without the calm and ready part is a well-recognized form of idiot. Never add more than a teaspoon of cockiness to the recipe.
  • That masculine energy thing isn’t a personality substitute, it’s a background characteristic. It should be something they can see in you, not all they see in you.
    • All girls respond well to positive male energy, and negatively to its absence. We are animals, you need it to succeed.
    • But don’t go with girls who only want that masculine personality substitute or some other male stereotype. They have Daddy issues and will never value your true soul.
  • You will need a personality though, and it will work best if modeled loosely on your actual personality. {joke} Most teenagers aren’t comfortable or happy with who they are. In fact many will identify with wrong and demented ideas of who they are based on all sorts of random crap they imagine makes them more acceptable. It can take years to see a lie you tell yourself.
  • Your high school peers will attempt to crush your genuine, spontaneous personality and this can leave you acting like a flat, nothing person whose only remaining tool is irony. This is proactively avoiding disapproval by trimming your wick to please the least wonderful people nearby. They aren’t monsters, high school is just an automatic personality black hole of shame and fear because nobody knows and everyone is pretending to know. If you know that, you at least have a small step up.
    • You are halfway between caterpillar and butterfly and that is inherently stressful and weird. Confidently ride it out, it’s temporary.
    • Some of your high school peers are comfortable with themselves, they’ve learned how empty and sad it is to hide themselves from the world. Follow their lead.
    • Define yourself or others will. It’s like letting strangers estimate the value of your life and affix a price tag.
  • Notice when you are happy, and figure out why you were happy. Do the same when you feel motivated. These will help with a sense of direction, and you need one.
    • If you don’t know what you want, you don’t need to spin the wheel, you need to feel your feelings more.
    • Solitary walks pull your parts back together and align them properly.
  • Lots of personality stuff is “Fake it till you make it”. The things you fake should be aspects of a person you’d rightfully hope to become someday. It’s all theater for a while, then one day it’s part of you. You can choose to be noble, loving and true.
  • People are about 30% rational.
    • When you talk, your listeners feel your energy, look at your face and body, listen to the music of your voice and lastly, hear what you are saying.
    • When texting/emailing they IMAGINE all these things about you and bend your text to fit the mood they imagined. They don’t know they are doing this.
  • Learn about body language, and what displays mean what to the people around them. Notice your own body, how you hold yourself and move.
    • Don’t make your body be nothing but a transport vehicle for your head. Occupy it.
    • Think of cartoon characters and how they walk: Evil guy, Complete boob, Romantic lover, Hero, etc. Try the walks when you have privacy, you can actually feel the personality arrive with the walk. Then decide how you want to walk.
    • Something like yoga would do you good too. A big part of being attractive is being comfortable in your own skin.
  • Habits are really hard to break.


  • Don’t ever go after a girl just for sex. It requires lying about enjoying them: Nothing good comes from pretending to enjoy a person. It’s a dismal experience, like buying a pet in order to cook and eat it.
    • Don’t shoot for great romantic love either, shoot for chemistry, and fun, enjoying each other’s company.  This is a Golden Rule issue, and not just to be a good person, but for the great pleasure of caring about someone…and being cared about.
  • Girls look at boys shoes, don’t wear shit shoes, more so as you get older.
  • Haircut likewise. Pick a good one.
  • Scent is incredibly powerful and important. As long as you are clean it’s essential. 95% of manufactured scents for men are ghastly and repellent and when men use them, they use too much.
  • Everyone loves to laugh and it’s pure magic when getting close to people. You are bringing them joy and releasing tension. Obviously it is not something you can prepare in advance, so you are lucky to be witty and funny naturally. That’s a great start but it needs a non-obnoxious playful spirit to let it out socially.
  • Wear flattering clothes, preferably clean, but it shouldn’t look like you thought about it much or god forbid tried on a couple of outfits till it came together. You CAN do that, it just can’t look that way.
    • Eventually “wealthy” is a powerful look but even then it shouldn’t look like you primped. Don’t be primpy.
    • The wealthy look on teenagers makes them look like dicks, which they mostly are.
  • Show yourself. Show some emotion. Let yourself be known.
    • If someone falls in love with you, you might be happy or you might be terrified.
    • Don’t be pressured into anything you don’t want.
    • If you want them, get control of your fear and don’t waste that golden moment. Love is like an elevator whose doors open rarely and can remain shut for years.
    • Be vulnerable. A reward can only fill the area made for it by risk.
  • You are a very non-talkative person to the degree that it will bother friends a bit, and girlfriends A LOT. It’s a likely deal-breaker and one you might not even notice braking a deal unless you see your part in it.
    • Remember to talk and to show concern with their feelings. Anyone who loves you will love you for what you are, and they’ll be a bit understanding …but they need you to reflect love and interest back to them.
  • You have to put out more energy than you are used to just to keep a relationship alive, don’t get mad at your partner for that, it’s simply how life works.
  • Never be stingy and resentful or cold and withholding about love, that is nasty for everyone perhaps especially YOU. It sucks to feel cold and flat.
  • Beware any relationship dynamics that lead to that in either yourself or your partner.
  • Don’t be afraid to walk away from people who can’t figure out what they want. They can’t deal with choices, so give them one less to worry about.
  • Let go of bad things.
  • You WILL get hurt and you will get over it.
  • Forgive people to get them out of your head.

Okay, that’s enough for now,