Dear son,

You will be 16 only two more months. You need space from me as never before. I’ve never felt serious hostility from you, but there are times when I feel the eyes of teenage judgement lasering through me, searching for anything false or failed. You can usually find something. At times I’ll be talking to you from your bedroom door and see you actually morphing into a werewolf, nearly growling at me to leave while I can. I take it in stride because we’re just playing out the eternal roles of controlling, restricting dad and desperate to get the fuck out of here kid. And it isn’t like knowing that offers us an opt-out policy from the drama, it’s compulsory, appropriate and as structured into your cells as learning to talk or walk. You are supposed to want to get the fuck out of here and if you see me as standing in your way, it’s because you are supposed to stop letting me do things for you and give up the comforts you feel when hanging around me. Those comforts could make you wander less, seeking your new life. You need to start looking for it now. I loved taking care of you when you were little, but taking care of you now, beyond what’s absolutely needed from me is a self indulgent bad habit I need to give up in your best interests. I actually don’t find it easy but life has times for ending things so new things can come along and this is one of those.

In fairness, you are almost always very nice to me and your affection shows through many times, but we never talk anymore. I miss talking to you without the sense that you are  counting the seconds being stolen from you. If I bring up an important subject that has emotions or personal stuff involved, you react like a cat suddenly recognizing the vet’s office. Embarrassed and appalled, you head for the nearest exit. I think I could still use the DAD voice and the whole “Get back here this minute” thing but that’s not how I imagined our talk. If I forced the issue you’d sit there like a coyote stuck on a barbed wire fence. You really don’t want to hear what I want to tell you. So I don’t tell you.

But I see things you need to know, and I know those things. Look, the big reason you want to get out of here is so you can walk around till you find a young lady who wants to have sex with you. That reason may be pretty clear to you already but if you thought it was the fresh air, you were mistaken. I don’t really mean the sex part, although obviously I really do. Yes, we’ll call it falling in love but we’re talking about the demands of your genes, not your beautiful soul, even though your beautiful soul is more important in the long run. I’m not talking about what you should feel, because that’s nothing but a tiny morality flag to salute. Nobody feels what they should feel, that’s why we have to be exhorted and reminded to feel it!  I’m talking about human animals like you and everyone you know.  In reality it’s more like; find some friends to hang with, get better at socializing, eventually meet some girls and practice talking to those girls until one of them likes you so hard that she wants to have sex with you.  But surrounding that superdrive to mate are a million ways to be capable or not and worthy or not. This is where your beautiful soul re-enters the picture.

Life is mostly about being with people and being a person worth knowing. Ignorance of those ways means suffering and wasted chances. You can, at least, suffer less and miss fewer chances.

How to People:

Constructing a teenage self

  • Masculine energy is what you are shooting for but masculine doesn’t mean aggressive. When guys are fighting, the calm friendly guy with the relaxed body language who steps in to stop them is the most masculine. It’s mostly about maintaining an even keel and being ready for things. Quiet competence. Monitor your crabbiness levels and try to get them down.  Yes, cockiness can enter into this, but cockiness without the calm and ready part is a well recognized form of idiot. Never add more than a teaspoon of cockiness to the recipe.
  • That masculine energy thing isn’t a personality substitute, it’s a background characteristic. It should be something they can see in you, not all they see in you.
    • All girls respond well to positive male energy, and negatively to its absence. We are animals, you need it to succeed.
    • But don’t go with girls who only want that masculine personality substitute or some other male stereotype. They have Daddy issues and will never value your true soul.
  • You will need a personality though, and it will work best if modeled loosely on your actual personality. {joke} Most teenagers aren’t comfortable or happy with who they are. In fact many will identify with wrong and demented ideas of who they are based on all sorts of random crap they imagine makes them more acceptable. It can take years to see a lie you tell yourself.
  • Your high school peers will attempt to crush your genuine, spontaneous personality and this can leave you acting like a flat, nothing person whose only remaining tool is irony. This is proactively avoiding disapproval by trimming your wick to please the least wonderful people nearby. They aren’t monsters, high school is just an automatic personality black hole of shame and fear because nobody knows and everyone is pretending to know. If you know that, you at least have a small step up.
    • You are halfway between caterpillar and butterfly and that is inherently stressful and weird. Confidently ride it out, it’s temporary.
    • Some of your high school peers are comfortable with themselves, they’ve learned how empty and sad it is to hide themselves from the world. Follow their lead.
    • Define yourself or others will. It’s like letting strangers estimate the value of your life and affix a price tag.
  • Notice when you are happy, and figure out why you were happy. Do the same when you feel motivated. These will help with a sense of direction, and you need one.
    • If you don’t know what you want, you don’t need to spin the wheel, you need to feel your feelings more.
    • Solitary walks pull your parts back together and align them properly.
  • Lots of personality stuff is “Fake it till you make it”. The things you fake should be aspects of a person you’d rightfully hope to become someday. It’s all theater for a while, then one day it’s part of you. You can choose to be noble, loving and true.
  • People are about 30% rational.
    • When you talk, your listeners feel your energy, look at your face and body, listen to the music of your voice and lastly, hear what you are saying.
    • When texting/emailing they IMAGINE all these things about you and bend your text to fit the mood they imagined. They don’t know they are doing this.
  • Learn about body language, and what displays mean what to the people around them. Notice your own body, how you hold yourself and move.
    • Don’t make your body be nothing but a transport vehicle for your head. Occupy it.
    • Think of cartoon characters and how they walk: Evil guy, Complete boob, Romantic lover, Hero, etc. Try the walks when you have privacy, you can actually feel the personality arrive with the walk. Then decide how you want to walk.
    • Something like yoga would do you good too. A big part of being attractive is being comfortable in your own skin.
  • Habits are really hard to break.

Girls

  • Don’t ever go after a girl just for sex. Nothing good will come from pretending to enjoy a person. It’s a dismal experience. It’s like buying a pet in order to cook and eat it.
    • Don’t shoot for great romantic love either, shoot for chemistry, and fun, enjoying each other’s company.  This is Golden Rule issue, and not just to be a good person, but for the far greater pleasure of caring about someone…and being cared about.
  • Girls look at boys shoes, don’t wear shit shoes, more so as you get older.
  • Haircut likewise. Pick a good one.
  • Scent is incredibly powerful and important. As long as you are clean it’s essential. 95% of manufactured scents for men are ghastly and repellent and when men use them, they use too much.
  • Everyone loves to laugh and it’s pure magic when getting close to people. You are bringing them joy and releasing tension. Obviously it is not something you can prepare in advance, You are lucky to be witty and funny naturally. That’s a great start but it needs a non-obnoxious playful spirit to let it out socially.
  • Wear flattering clothes, preferably clean, but it shouldn’t look like you thought about it much or god forbid tried on a couple of outfits till it came together. You CAN do that, it just can’t look that way.
    • Eventually “wealthy” is a powerful look but even then it shouldn’t look like you primped. Don’t be primpy.
    • The wealthy look on teenagers makes them look like dicks, which they mostly are.
  • Show yourself. Show some emotion. Let yourself be known.
    • If someone falls in love with you, your response might be terror.
    • Don’t be pressured into anything you don’t want.
    • If you want them, get control of your fear and don’t waste that golden moment. Love is like an elevator whose doors open rarely and can remain shut for years.
    • Be vulnerable.
  • You are a very non-talkative person to the degree that it will bother friends a bit and girlfriends A LOT. It’s a likely deal breaker.
    • Remember to talk and to show concern with their feelings. Anyone who loves you will love you for what you are, and they’ll be be a bit understanding but they need you to reflect love and interest back to them.
  • You have to put out more energy than you are used to just to keep a relationship alive, don’t get mad at your partner for that, it’s simply how life works.
  • Never be stingy and resentful or cold and withholding about love, that is nasty for everyone perhaps especially YOU. It sucks to feel cold and flat.
  • Beware any relationship dynamics that lead to that in either yourself or your partner.
  • Don’t be afraid to walk away from people who can’t figure out what they want. They can’t deal with choices, so give them one less to worry about.
  • Let go of bad things.
  • You WILL get hurt and you will get over it.
  • Forgive people to get them out of your head.

Okay, that’s enough for now,

Dad

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