I’m not promising anything, but God knows I try.

What would it look like if you attempted to sketch out a script for a real cat? Let’s leave out the some of the foundations like the guidelines for building the cat’s body in the first place and maintaining all the various physiological systems, or whether the cat is old or young, or sick or whatever. Just a generic cat on a generic day.
Cat {
Danger [A. Maintain alertness for danger – loop always
A1. If danger is sensed:
*Danger 1 – serious – run helter skelter away FAST far – hide. Watch & Listen. loop till:A2
*Danger 2 – moderate – run away fast moderate distance – hide. Watch & Listen. Loop till:A2
*Danger 3 – mild – skulk into hiding. Watch & Listen. Loop till:A2
A2 – no danger is sensed] Check B

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  • During the Plasticine era dinosaurs were squishy and easily shaped.
  •  I hate the Playa AND the Game.
  •  Seattle socializing: “Hey, let’s try to meet sometime before we die! You know, if it’s convenient”
  •  I’ve started making artisanal ice in my own freezer using free-range water I collect by hand with a silver thimble. Prices upon request.
  •  God never closes a door without opening a window. And he never closes a window without leaving the tap dripping. And he never turns the tap off without leaving a freakin t-shirt on the floor.
  • How many nuns would a nunchuck chuck if a nunchuck could chuck nuns?
  • All that glitters has a high refractive index.
  • It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.
  • “In your FACE, baby peach!” A sane person might possibly say that after a very difficult race in Mario Kart.
  • I believe it was Mel Gibson who once said: “Why you ******* ***** I ought to ***** you and you ought to *********** ***** **** my ******** ****!”
  • I really hurt my neck the other day and now have zero range of motion looking to my left. I’d like to encourage anything interesting that happens to stand to my right.
  • Weird dreams, I was helping the three stooges build a waterfront resort. The night before, I killed a chihuahua in a microwave. The portents are mysterious…
  • New on TLC this season: “I didn’t know I was obese, little, paralyzed and pregnant”
  • Bad Beth and Beyond…One Woman’s Sensuous Journey
  • Davejavu: I’m sure I’ve met you before, Dave.





  • Restless nose syndrome
  • Mild hulkism
  • Late onset albinism
  • Spontaneous pregnancy
  • Phantom hand syndrome
  • Increased appetite
  • Pulmonary weevils
  • Rectal hallucinations
  • Brain tooth
  • “Sneezeures”
  • Genital migration
  • Lactose addiction
  • Testicular myopia
  • Weightlessness and hives.
  1. You can remember watching your parents blend with the HUB when it still machine based.BrainFoodBlob
  2. Bedazzled gill slits.
  3. Singy Worms! (and you can still name them).
  4. The bleak winter after Singy Worms went rogue. 
  5. Spending hours changing the color of your fur before school
  6. You went to School  :( 
  7. You can still sing every word of YAYA (see? I just did) 
  8. Gender putty. (Eewww)
  9. Algae Tuesdays (and the green shivers)
  10. You remember where you were when President Bieber was assassinated 
  11. And his reanimation dance party inaugural. (YAYA!)
  12. And his second assassination. 
1. Cracker Buffet
2. Low, off key whistling
3. “Rubenesque”
4. Extensive investigation of something weird on your skin
5. Color commentary
6. Jiggle her fat bits while imitating hand-bells
7. Black knee-high socks
8. Whisper count thrusts
9. Protracted introspective body part puppetry
10. “Mamacita!”

But then they don’t read anyone else’s either. At any rate I thought I’d add another venue for people to not read them. If you’d like to not read them at the original location, here you go.


  • “What happens in Vagueness, stays in Vagueness.”
  • Walked into my son’s messy bedroom today; he was playing a videogame where he had adopted orphans and he was carefully cleaning their room.
  • American television news media are the “Make a wish foundation” for mass murderers. #advertisingrevenue #CNN
  • Ixel twoof bloog sharmly,if you know what i mean.#bloog
  • Anne Coulter is like an edgy, self-loathing comedian with all the comedy removed.
  • Where are the big box stores that sell notions, sundries ‘n things?
  • I liked it better when advertisements had little walls around them.
  • Just had a funny thought that Ayn Rand is Arrogance Porn. “My God,” she breathed “your sense of entitlement is ENORMOUS!
  • I suffer from Carpal Diem, resulting from repeatedly seizing the day.
  • Damn it Jesus, I’ve got the wheel. You get shotgun.
  • I wonder what the first slang word was.
  • Thinking of opening up a cute little Frottagerie in the neighborhood. For a name I’m thinking: “Aye, There’s the Rub”.
  • If the devil and god are on different teams then why does the devil punish sinners? The devil is god’s employee of the month. Every month.
  • My meeting of “Heterosexual Men Who Love Show Tunes” was canceled when the other guy didn’t show up.
  • Dawdle, dawdle, toil and twaddle.