Funny

I’m not promising anything, but God knows I try.

New Word:

Solipsism
noun

Extreme preoccupation with and indulgence of one’s feelings, desires, etc.; egoistic self-absorption.

Machismo
noun

a strong or exaggerated sense of power or the right to dominate:

Solipsismo

= A gut feeling that your gut cannot be wrong. Asserting authority and neglecting preparation based on intuition. Dale Carnegie meets the Dunning–Kruger effect.

See Trumpery

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New Word:

Satisfaction +  Fiction

Satisfiction

= Short-lived perfection; The happy ending you believed in completely…until you realized the mistakes you made.

 

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  • I think if you look at a person and remember that they are probably no more than about 40% rational you’ll do OK.
  • “Offensive” in current usage means “Shut Up!”.
  • Got a new product idea: A “5 Hour Energy” type product called “Workahol”. Investors welcome.
  • One of those nights where sleep can’t be found but every single thing you’re worried about comes to chat.
  • Anyone with an ongoing interest in Ayn Rand has such a low ceiling over their imagination that they literally can’t imagine anything more important than what they want.
  • Sometimes when I get done teaching a night class and say goodbye, and watch the backs get smaller, and turn off the lights, and lock the door and step out into cold streets that don’t know anyone, I turn into a small dog, that nobody loves.
  • My state is an inch from legalizing gay marriage. I’m not against it, I just feel that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman.
  • How can you tell if you’re talking to a Finnish extrovert? He’s looking at YOUR shoes.
  • If triangles had gods they would be three sided.
  • I have decided to adopt a doctrine of personal infallibility. I believe you will come to see that I was right to do so.
  • So this magician is walking down the street, and he turns into a grocery store.
  • Your first phrase in Irish: “Whale Oil Beef Hooked.”
  • Citrus fruits are useful for locating paper cuts.
  • Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage is between a man and his goods and chattels.
  • That which doesn’t kill us makes us hyper-vigilant and traumatized.
  • I read somebody complaining that they forgot to bring their phone into the bathroom and they had to spend several minutes being bored and I thought: We’re Doomed.
  • Blame it on the boogie.
  • Giving midterm exams ALL day today. I have this weird desire to dress up like Professor Snape and hover darkly near anxious students.
  • I just want to wish Kim Kardashian the kind of Princess/Storybook divorce she so deserves!
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debate2

Meep America Meep again! Meep meep, meep. Meeeeeeeeep! Meep meep. Meep meep, meep. Meeeeeeeeep! Meep meep. Meep meep, meep. Meeeeeeeeep! Meep meep. Meep meep, meep. Meeeeeeeeep! Meep meep. 

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Earth needs a little team spirit! In a quest for unity and good sportsmanship we’ve started a team that everyone can join in anticipation of eventual extraterrestrial opposition. You know it will come and we need to be ready.

So Go Team Terra! Yup, we called dibs on naming it. We’ll have to hammer out what sport we play later, We’re torn between Australian Rules Football and Curling. Either way, it’s not the sort of issue likely to become divisive. And of course we have to keep in mind that our alien adversaries may have sports that vary in small ways from our own. So that can wait.

But we need a mascot. Both cats and dogs have been considered but to choose one and not the other would alienate almost half the human race. Not  a good start. Some sort of cat/dog hybrid was considered but it turned out to look like a carnivorous monkey. That brought up the idea “Why not People?” So…The Terran …People? We quickly realized that it would be necessary to have a cute mascot pictured on the jerseys and key chains and coffee mugs and we could not agree on a cute person, or face, or sex or ethnicity or implied religion… Continue reading

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The recent breakthrough in deciphering petroglyphs has yielded some surprising results. Scientists at various ancient settlement sites have learned what sorts of thoughts our early ancestors left for us, carved into stone. The messages fell into patterns that show a remarkably similar content across sites worldwide. It has led to speculation about a possible ancient culture that spread almost globally as well as conflicting theories suggesting that people are just dumb.

  1. Most common was “Your Mom!” generally associated with images of extremely overweight animals doing embarrassing things. 
  2. In second place, drawings of dicks. 
  3. Third place globally, was “I wish to have coitus with  ______” (female name)
  4. Fourth place was a message that could generalized as “For a good time lurk in the big bushes outside cave 12”
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  • So, America, for the rest of the 2016 election can we agree on a safe word?
  • Life right now feels like I am sitting in a multiplex, 2/3s through the movie and I mostly just feel like sneaking into another theater.
  • Tell someone to open their mind or open their heart? No problem but suggest the same about genitals? Suddenly everything gets weird.
  • It’s not that I object to having problems. All I ask is the chance to browse a glossy catalog for some new ones.
  • Welcome to Earth, where a tiny percentage of humans are exponentially more deserving of all good things.#KochBros
  • The day stretched out before him like a three-film, extended version, director’s cut viewing of “The Hobbit” with bonus material.
  • “Romeo, Romeo, whiskey alpha tango Romeo?” – Col. William (Bloody Bill) Shakespeare
  • 1 Butt load (unit of measure) equals 2 Hogsheads. I feel this may raise more questions than it answers though.
  • Middle managers are the insulation companies use to keep themselves at a safe distance from things they really ought to know.
  • Arguing with the phrase “Islamic terrorism” is like arguing with the phrase “Islamic charities” because not all Muslims are charitable!
  • We won’t let them in unless THEY’RE Christian? No dummies, you got it backwards. You won’t let them in unless YOU’RE Christians. #Duh
  • @CentruryLink just wants to be Comcast when it grows up. Keep trying, someday you might be the most hated company in America. #fuckthepeople
  • “titty twister” sounds like a really fun game played on a plastic sheet covered with brightly colored circles. People ruin everything.
  • Ben Carson is going to single-handedly ruin the phrase: “Well, it’s not brain surgery!” #BenCarson
  • The word “nipple” is clearly almost as funny as the word “chicken” but it can’t get much work due to its background in porn.
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What would it look like if you attempted to sketch out a script for a real cat? Let’s leave out the some of the foundations like the guidelines for building the cat’s body in the first place and maintaining all the various physiological systems, or whether the cat is old or young, or sick or whatever. Just a generic cat on a generic day.
 
Cat {
Danger [A. Maintain alertness for danger – loop always
A1. If danger is sensed:
*Danger 1 – serious – run helter skelter away FAST far – hide. Watch & Listen. loop till:A2
*Danger 2 – moderate – run away fast moderate distance – hide. Watch & Listen. Loop till:A2
*Danger 3 – mild – skulk into hiding. Watch & Listen. Loop till:A2
A2 – no danger is sensed] Check B

Continue reading

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  • During the Plasticine era dinosaurs were squishy and easily shaped.
  •  I hate the Playa AND the Game.
  •  Seattle socializing: “Hey, let’s try to meet sometime before we die! You know, if it’s convenient”
  •  I’ve started making artisanal ice in my own freezer using free-range water I collect by hand with a silver thimble. Prices upon request.
  •  God never closes a door without opening a window. And he never closes a window without leaving the tap dripping. And he never turns the tap off without leaving a freakin t-shirt on the floor.
  • How many nuns would a nunchuck chuck if a nunchuck could chuck nuns?
  • All that glitters has a high refractive index.
  • It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.
  • “In your FACE, baby peach!” A sane person might possibly say that after a very difficult race in Mario Kart.
  • I believe it was Mel Gibson who once said: “Why you ******* ***** I ought to ***** you and you ought to *********** ***** **** my ******** ****!”
  • I really hurt my neck the other day and now have zero range of motion looking to my left. I’d like to encourage anything interesting that happens to stand to my right.
  • Weird dreams, I was helping the three stooges build a waterfront resort. The night before, I killed a chihuahua in a microwave. The portents are mysterious…
  • New on TLC this season: “I didn’t know I was obese, little, paralyzed and pregnant”
  • Bad Beth and Beyond…One Woman’s Sensuous Journey
  • Davejavu: I’m sure I’ve met you before, Dave.

 

 

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