• I think if you look at a person and remember that they are probably no more than about 40% rational you’ll do OK.
  • “Offensive” in current usage means “Shut Up!”.
  • Got a new product idea: A “5 Hour Energy” type product called “Workahol”. Investors welcome.
  • One of those nights where sleep can’t be found but every single thing you’re worried about comes to chat.
  • Anyone with an ongoing interest in Ayn Rand has such a low ceiling over their imagination that they literally can’t imagine anything more important than what they want.
  • Sometimes when I get done teaching a night class and say goodbye, and watch the backs get smaller, and turn off the lights, and lock the door and step out into cold streets that don’t know anyone, I turn into a small dog, that nobody loves.
  • My state is an inch from legalizing gay marriage. I’m not against it, I just feel that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman.
  • How can you tell if you’re talking to a Finnish extrovert? He’s looking at YOUR shoes.
  • If triangles had gods they would be three sided.
  • I have decided to adopt a doctrine of personal infallibility. I believe you will come to see that I was right to do so.
  • So this magician is walking down the street, and he turns into a grocery store.
  • Your first phrase in Irish: “Whale Oil Beef Hooked.”
  • Citrus fruits are useful for locating paper cuts.
  • Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage is between a man and his goods and chattels.
  • That which doesn’t kill us makes us hyper-vigilant and traumatized.
  • I read somebody complaining that they forgot to bring their phone into the bathroom and they had to spend several minutes being bored and I thought: We’re Doomed.
  • Blame it on the boogie.
  • Giving midterm exams ALL day today. I have this weird desire to dress up like Professor Snape and hover darkly near anxious students.
  • I just want to wish Kim Kardashian the kind of Princess/Storybook divorce she so deserves!
twitterrssinstagramtwitterrssinstagram

FacebooktwittermailFacebooktwittermail