• So, America, for the rest of the 2016 election can we agree on a safe word?
  • Life right now feels like I am sitting in a multiplex, 2/3s through the movie and I mostly just feel like sneaking into another theater.
  • Tell someone to open their mind or open their heart? No problem but suggest the same about genitals? Suddenly everything gets weird.
  • It’s not that I object to having problems. All I ask is the chance to browse a glossy catalog for some new ones.
  • Welcome to Earth, where a tiny percentage of humans are exponentially more deserving of all good things.#KochBros
  • The day stretched out before him like a three-film, extended version, director’s cut viewing of “The Hobbit” with bonus material.
  • “Romeo, Romeo, whiskey alpha tango Romeo?” – Col. William (Bloody Bill) Shakespeare
  • 1 Butt load (unit of measure) equals 2 Hogsheads. I feel this may raise more questions than it answers though.
  • Middle managers are the insulation companies use to keep themselves at a safe distance from things they really ought to know.
  • Arguing with the phrase “Islamic terrorism” is like arguing with the phrase “Islamic charities” because not all Muslims are charitable!
  • We won’t let them in unless THEY’RE Christian? No dummies, you got it backwards. You won’t let them in unless YOU’RE Christians. #Duh
  • @CentruryLink just wants to be Comcast when it grows up. Keep trying, someday you might be the most hated company in America. #fuckthepeople
  • “titty twister” sounds like a really fun game played on a plastic sheet covered with brightly colored circles. People ruin everything.
  • Ben Carson is going to single-handedly ruin the phrase: “Well, it’s not brain surgery!” #BenCarson
  • The word “nipple” is clearly almost as funny as the word “chicken” but it can’t get much work due to its background in porn.